Sunday! Sunday! Someday...

This post is being composed strictly for the sake of posting more frequently than my brother in the past month. That is all.

If my blog is anything it is consistent

Sure I may not post very often, and it may seem that I only post on holidays, but I still loves yalls.

So I've been trying to find a job recently. I probably should've warned you guys to sit down before reading that, but it is true. My most promising job prospect so far is at UPS. What can brown do for me? Give me a fucking job, that's what.

It's Cinco de Mayo so hit up your favorite Mexican place for some tall Dos Equis and Patron shots. This is one of my favorite holidays, even though I haven't a clue as to what I'm celebrating. Cinco de Mayo is proof to me that noone parties harder than Americans; WE ADOPTED ANOTHER COUNTRY'S HOLIDAY JUST SO WE CAN DRINK IN A SOMBRERO! BITCHES! I also found a fake mustache to wear this year.

I will now do the generic blogger apology for my lack of posts, promise to post more, and tag my brother. Wait, I dont know how to tag, so go to his blog http:/iheartnewjersey.blogspot.com and check it out. Now get out there and get all sauced up for Mexico.

Internship Woes

Internship: (in'tern ship), n. 1. position or service as an intern. 2 = apprenticeship. (World Book Encyclopedia, 1988.)

I have recently embarked on a new journey in my life, and today I felt it appropriate to blog about. I have recently begun my new internship shadowing a mental health coordinator (higher-educated guidance counselor) at a very nice elementary school here in town. I'll be sitting in on interviews and therapy sessions with both children and the parents/guardians. This will prove to be a very rewarding/challenging/sometimes disturbing experience for me, and I am very excited about it. I have alreay been challenged (racing a child in a hand-held, water basketball game-lost), rewarded (a little girl after being silent for 50 minutes wrote on a whiteboard "Mr. Jake is cool and smart"; really warms you up), and disturbed. The disturbance will be the topic of my following discussion. We've all been in awkward situations, so I would like to ask you to empathize with me for a second. I'm at the Department of Mental Health, a lady who I will call Jane calls my name, I walk back into her office. We sit. Lights, camera, action.

The interview begins as a generic interview would, with her asking my name and class and other demographics. As we delve into the rules and regulations of the internship, I begin to sense that this Jane isn't all there in the head, and by not all there in the head I mean that she is a little fucking crazy. The scene is set, now I will simply provide some quotes from the rest of the interview:

"Son I must first state that you cannot, will not, and MUST not touch any of these children. They are good children." I mean, damn. I wasn't aware of the fact that when i walk into a room it immediately reeks of petifile.

"There will be absolutely no drinking or use of any illegal substances while on the grounds of the elementary school." So you're telling me with a straight face that I can't get fucked up while I'm counseling these kids? I'm starting to have second thoughts about whether this position is for me.

"All contraband and illegal materials have to be removed from your vehicle and your person. This will not be tolerated." If you knew how much contraband I carry on my person at all times your head would explode. If I'm going to have to rid my car of it I had better start now if you want me at work on Monday (it was Thursday).

"You really need to work on that signature. That won't work." No, lemme tell you what doesn't work. Those orthopedic shoes and that skirt don't work.

Now for the dual-quote Grand Finale'.
The challenge for you the reader is to figure out how exactly the following quotes made their way into our interview.

"Mental health is a very serious subject. I'm not sure if you know this or not, but I myself am recovering from mental illness." Eery stare accompanied with a long pause is given, and in my head I'm yelling at her to "lock it up!"

"Medication is an art form really. Individuals are very different in how they react to medicine. My son's depression medicine wasn't properly calibrated to him, and he took his own life." You know, I believe we went wrong somewhere Miss Jane. Somehow we've removed ourselves from the beaten path in this interview, and I want to get back to that beaten path as soon as possible.

The "interview" concluded with a story about light bulbs from her that doesn't bear repeating, we shake hands, and I depart for a stiff drink. Creepy huh?

Either way, all is good. I want to leave you with a quote that always makes me feel good regardless of how high the shit piles up: "Grapefruit, a bathin' suit, you chew a little Juicy Fruit, and wash away the night. Yeah, you chew a little Juicy Fruit, it's good for the soul"- Jimmy Buffett. Not sure what it really means in this context, but what a lovely song. Don't forget ladies and gentlemen, we're all in this crazy human race together. Be a buddy, not a bully. Get out there and spread love and kindness, because this world certainly needs it. ONE

Happy Holidays Everyone!

I hope the holidays have treated everyone as kindly as they have treated me and mine. It has been quite a while since I have posted, and I'm sure that I've lost my 4 very loyal readers, but like the saying goes: "when you get knocked off the horse, you gotta get back on that motherfucker." So I'm back, bitches.

This Christmas break has sufficed as a much needed hiatus from school-related matters. It has been great to drink with my friends nearly (mostly) every night. It's been great to see people that I haven't seen in several years, and it's been great to see that some of them are doing well. Laughing at those that aren't doing as well has also become a favorite pastime of mine over the different breaks (thanksgiving, spring, Christmas, etc.). I just love being better than people, you know? JK JK! Anderson is a funny town in that we have bars that serve as high school reunion halls during these times (churchill's and corbett's). While talking with these people that range from 3 years younger than me to 2 years older than my brother, I've begun to realize that Anderson as a city has become more of a black hole that people struggle to escape. It's more like a big toilet with a very strong flush, only the most persistent and strongest pieces of shit can stay afloat. I do enjoy these conversations with people from my past, though they get quite repetitious at times. The only conversations that I don't enjoy as much are those that begin with "So, care to explain this message that you left me at 4:30 in the am a month ago that I so conveniently saved?" I was drunk and I thought I loved you, you should be flattered really considering the lb's you've put on. OH NO HE DIDN'T!!!

On a more serious note, I just returned a few days ago from a trip to Orlando for the Champs Sports bowl featuring my beloved Clemson Tigers and the Colorado Buffalos, and I'd like to tell you about it. The crazies that accompanied me were my buddy Matt, his girlfriend Andrea, and a wonderful AC [AU(gay)] girl who goes by the name of Lindsay (not Lindsey, I've learned that lesson). First off, I would have to say that the ride down was one of the most miserable experience of my life, and my outlook as well as that of the others was not a very positive one. Traffic was brutal, I mean Georgia, can I get a 4 lane road please, I mean fuckin a'. It took us about 10 hours to travel the 8 hour trip, so needless to say it was a trying roadtrip. Sleeping and hating on people were my favorite road games that helped pass the time (we actually saw a truck with a rubber nutsack hanging from his trailer hitch, stay classy valdosta). Either way we finally arrived at the DoubleTree in Orlando after a few accidental detours. The DoubleTree was very nice, with very comfortable beds and pillows (spare one that read "Sweet Dreams"), a very courteous staff, and one very over-priced bar. My only complaint was the couch in the room that was most uncomfortable.

The first night we had reservations at a lovely Italian restaurant named Christini's. This place turned the trip around with it's exquisite menu and great service. Though a bit pricy, I would've paid double considering how pleased I was with my meal. We were told that this place was frequented by Tiger Woods, Philly Mick, and the likes, so needless to say we felt like country-come-to-town in this place. I'm fairly sure that Matt and myself are the first to order Bud Light in that place in months, maybe years. But hey, you gotsta keeps it reals. After we finished deserts every girl/woman in the place was presented with a rose from the wait staff, and we had drinks. It was a great experience that I won't soon forget, and afterwards we hit the hay at the hotel.

The following day we departed for the stadium. We tailgated all day long and had a marvelous time, though I must say that Clemson was not represented well in terms of the classiness of the fans tailgating around us. I think I actually heard a guy say the following : "Man you shoulda seen me at Skynyrd bayby. I had two beers in my back pockets, two in my front, and two in my hands. Talkin bout fuuuucked upppp!!!". And to make matters worse, this man had a tattoo on his arm that read "Only God can Judge Me". Either way, it was a great tailgate and a good time was had by all. The game proved to be a great time as well, as Clemson emerged victorious. We hit the town for a few drinks at Margarittaville and headed back to the hotel. The trek home was much more pleasant, with less traffic and a cooler full of cold beers in the back. As stated earlier, a good time was had by all.

Well there ya have it, a quick synopsis of a great trip and a great holiday break. I hope all was and still is merry with you guys. Remember, what we need most in the world today is kindness, simple acts of kindness. Love one another and be kind to one another. ONE

watching the cosby show and droppin a blog out

so last night i drank rolling rock in a can, and i must say that this beer is twice as good in a can than it is in a bottle. and thats a scientific fact. this post is going to be about beer so feel free to drop comments, suggestions, and insults about my alcoholic opinions. first off, id like to talk about yuengling. if you dont know what yuengling is, jump off of a bridge. cheap and actually has good taste! while i was down along the coast i was lucky enough to have yuengling on tap, which was a great experience (maybe the fact that i was underage made it better). the next beer that comes to mind is a classic. new castle brown ale. i genuinely like it but i think alot of college students drink it because they think that it makes them look interesting, but its hard to look interesting and original after drinking twelve of these and forgetting where your feet are. shiner hefeweizen (spelling check needed) is a new favorite of mine. drink with a large wedge of lime on a hot day. now a wheat beer that i didnt enjoy as much would be the sierra nevada version. for some reason sierra nevada beers have the same distinct taste that i dont like and cant describe. anchor steam has become a staple to my father's beer supply, but i dont enjoy it's heaviness as much. pacifico is the clear mexican beer choice for me; it makes corona taste like a walrus' choda salt. among the cheapest of the cheap, miller creeps out as the winner in my book. i also tried an abiza (?) razberry flavored beer at a lovely place in murrels inlet called Flos Place, and i actually enjoyed it thouroughly. the hurricane raw oyster shot on the other hand was a different experience. thomas creek is good. red hook i really enjoy, and my brother says that the winter hook is very good, but if youre thinking about trying the blackhook you should maybe think again. very bitter. i tried to convince myself that red stripe was good, but it's really not. ive tried several of the rogue beers and enjoyed all of them, most notably the dead guy ale and the shakespeare stout. well i have to go because of these three things: im hungover thanks to the old latrobe, im beginning to have to run out of available beers in my shorterm memory (which could be attributed to the previous reason), and while im laying here typing there is a dog stomping all over my back and he's coming very close to my junkpile. do comment on these beers and let me know which ones i should have included. much love to everyone, and now a quote from the new common cd:

"Be food for thought to the growin mind, be the author of your own horoscope, Be invited, be long-living, be forgiving, be not forgetful, Be a proud run, only to return to fight another day"

be good to one another. ONE

venting. you really should think about trying it, it's fun.

Here we go. I know it seems that I've forgotten about this blog, and it seems that way because I forgot about this blog. Summer's been fun, lots of beer, lakes, beaches, and beeyoches. Been playing alot of tournaments this summer on JetSet Poker because there is absolutely no talent on the site. If you find yourself losing on JetSet, search for me (jake calhoun, 2 words) and have a seat because as of the past few days I haven't been able to win with any hand. This is a perfect place for an example, and I have one on hand. Seven card stud tournament, 59 players (if you want to call them that). For the first few limit changes I take a few river beats but not for much money. Either way sweet, sweet time has taken its toll on my stack, taking me down to around 300 in chips. The limits are 75/150 with an ante of 25. My starting hand looks like this: 2d 6c 2s and i bring in (which seems to happen much more often when I get short stacked, but that may just be the availability heuristic talking), the donkey to my left calls and a girl that i deemed "lucky slotass" calls. 4th street brings me a 2, which makes my set, so I bet it and donkey and slot both call. 5th street brings a 6 for my full house, so I make my bet and am all in and in comes donkey (this put him all in as well) and skankbot. the hands are flipped and donkey has garbage, but slot bot has kkAA7, one of her Aces and one of her kings is dead in donkey's hand. just dodge an ace or a king and take it to the house right? last ace in the deck on the river. i dropped my usual parting line (nice hand i guess) and head out.

that hand right there is a representative of the last few weeks of poker, which sucks. but everyone has bad runs. lets talk about something different. check out mitchhedberg.net for some funny stuff if you'd like. its weird that i just quit capitalizing. i'm about ready to move back in with my new roomate clay, hey clay. he's one of my 4 readers. i cant put the site up on my info because of my AIM virus, which i love. either way if youre in anderson at all this summer, i apologize. OH i almost forgot, check the new Common cd if you havent already, very cool. stay up and treat each other with love and kindness. ONE

"I dont even know this kid" (with photo)

So I'm a few weeks into summer now, but I'm gonna take you all back in time to the last week of classes and tell you a little story. One wild and crazy night, a girl named Casey (i think) accidentally left her digital camera in my buddy Nat's car. Everyone knows what to do in this situation: take random (sometimes dirty) photos and hope her mom sees 'em. Well thats just what we did. First we took some random group shots, then this masterpiece :http://client.webshots.com/photo/333819279/333833867JEhGlN.

Someone (i think it was diddy remix) said "hey, lets take a picture of someone acting like they are taking a shit!" And we did, and it's now on the internet, and I can't be any happier about it. Everytime I see it I almost piss myself laughing.
He genuinely looks like he got caught!!!! and with the magazine he looks like he could possibly have gotten caught knockin one off. Thanks Clay for putting shame aside and posing on the throne. The caption is the best part. Very funny. Lemme know what you think.

Jacob A.